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Self-Loathing
Jun. 5th, 2005 09:42 amI'm feeling really guilty right about now. First of all, I've been thinking about the problem of untimely death on this planet (see my reply to Sean's post from yesterday), and how I've been just gliding over the reports of tragedies that I see in the newspapers, radio, television, and Internet. Although it seems like a lot sometimes, I've still been losing sight of the fact that we're dealing with real people. I don't have an excuse for ignoring the reality (reality, which I tend to be a big upholder of) of the sad things that happen on this planet. So I've got a fairly large guilt complex active already.
I'm currently listening to a radio story about religion, its role in government, and how it's on the upsurge in modern America. From my (admittedly outsider) perspective, one of the major appeals of religion is a certain moral certainty. You don't have to worry about all of the bad activities that go on in this world if you have a faith in a higher, supreme authority that orders reality for the ultimate triumph of good. However, I can't square this with what I've been seeing for the last several years; I've had doubts for a while, although I think the events of 25 October 2002 sealed it for me. So without the certainty provided by some other authority, I'm left with my own personal moral compass. And right now it's not feeling very good.
Especially after last night. Most of my powers (for lack of a better word) come from the credibility of what I say. I like to think that if I say something, it'll happen. But I can think of many cases when that hasn't been true, and last night was one of them. If I say I'll be somewhere by "sevenish", I should be there by "sevenish", not 9:45. And without my statements being reliable, I'm really kind of useless. So I'm kind of feeling like scum right now. Not particularly different then the hypocrites I like to condemn on here.
I'm starting to get why people need to escape from reality. Escape from the reality of who they are and what they have done. I've always rejected that, but sometimes it would feel pretty darn good.
I'm currently listening to a radio story about religion, its role in government, and how it's on the upsurge in modern America. From my (admittedly outsider) perspective, one of the major appeals of religion is a certain moral certainty. You don't have to worry about all of the bad activities that go on in this world if you have a faith in a higher, supreme authority that orders reality for the ultimate triumph of good. However, I can't square this with what I've been seeing for the last several years; I've had doubts for a while, although I think the events of 25 October 2002 sealed it for me. So without the certainty provided by some other authority, I'm left with my own personal moral compass. And right now it's not feeling very good.
Especially after last night. Most of my powers (for lack of a better word) come from the credibility of what I say. I like to think that if I say something, it'll happen. But I can think of many cases when that hasn't been true, and last night was one of them. If I say I'll be somewhere by "sevenish", I should be there by "sevenish", not 9:45. And without my statements being reliable, I'm really kind of useless. So I'm kind of feeling like scum right now. Not particularly different then the hypocrites I like to condemn on here.
I'm starting to get why people need to escape from reality. Escape from the reality of who they are and what they have done. I've always rejected that, but sometimes it would feel pretty darn good.
